well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
