he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I think weed is turning my hair brown
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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