He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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