Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
