I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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