Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
