i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
pray to the hookup gods
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
