What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I'm having to shit out rocks
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