genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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