my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
