Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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