fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Randomize
