You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
