Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
