mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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