He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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