every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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