Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize