Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
