Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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