The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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