Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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