I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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