my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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