i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
