I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Randomize
