sarcasm needs its own font
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
