Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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