im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
