I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
