You just made me feel so damn special
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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