Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
