Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
