ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize