My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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