Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
