I'm gonna have a badass scar
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
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