I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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