Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
