So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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