i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
