do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
