Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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