I got chris browned last night
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
