I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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