my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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