I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
