I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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