but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
