hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
