I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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