I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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