and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Randomize
