I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
This is my life. Enjoy the view
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
