I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I just gift wrapped bread.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
