Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
