It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
